I know she will end up reading this, but I don’t really care cause it’s how I truly feel…
I feel like I am losing her to her so called ‘best-friend’ and there’s nothing i can do about it. I love her with all my heart, and she says she loves me too, but can that really be true?? It’s not that I doubt her words and her feelings, but it’s just that it’s hard for me to understand how someone can love me. I spend every second that I can with her, but I feel like if that is my downfall. Simply because I’m spending so much time with her, i think shes getting tired of me. And honestly, I feel as if she is only with me because she is used to being with me and she doesn’t want to hurt me feelings. Bot how I pray that I am wrong on that.
A few nights ago we were supposed to fall asleep at 12 midnight so that we can at least get some rest for school, but I couldn’t sleep. I ended up falling asleep at 1 because something in my head kept telling me that something was wrong. I texted her a couple of times and yea she texted back, so that was ok i suppose. But then at 2:30 in the morning she texted me saying that she luvs me and good nite. Wat was she doing awake so late?? She told me that she was just fixing up her computer all nite, and I want to believe her so badly. But in my mind, I can’t seem to escape the feeling that she was txting him all nite.
She gets mad at me when I talk about him, tells me to just leave him alone and not to mess with him, so I dont. But then she sometimes tells me stories of how he talks about me in class, of what he says and how he makes fun of me. Yet again something in my mind tells me that she doesn’t tell him to stop. She just laughs and lets it slide.
A few days ago an ex-friend of mine send me a message telling me stuff about my girlfriend. Telling me how she’s always seeing her and that guy together and other crap. I don’t know why I believed her. It’s super obvious now that all she was trying to do is break us apart. I have no idea why I believed her, but I promise that that has been the only time that I have ever lied to her. I just wish I could take it back and simply tell you the truth.
I haven’t told her this, but lately I have been crying myself to sleep. I cant stand the thought of a world without her. It sounds cliche, but she really is my everything. Literally, I am alive because of her today for reasons I cant explain on tumblr. Everything I do is to try and make her happy. Even me going to college is to make her happy, because I want her to have a good life with me, so that she can have everything she wants. OMG how I want to believe her that that guy is just a friend, but there’s just something in my head that doesn’t leave me alone. I know that she’s explained to me a million times how he’s just a friend, but my mind is having trouble grasping that. I try so hard to believe it, I truly do. But it’s just so hard for me, and she knows why. That’s why sometimes I simply just hate myself. I know she texts him and then deletes the messages, according to her it’s so I won’t see the message and get all butt hurt. Which is probably true, but that also makes my heart hurt because in my mind, I believe that sometimes they talk about how they miss each other. I hope that I am wrong about that though. I really really do.
All I really want is for her to simply tell me that everything is goin to be ok. To make me believe that that person is truly just her friend. To tell me I am wrong on everything I just said, and mean it ofcourse. To forgive me about believing my ex-friend, but truly forgive me, not to just say she forgives me but keep bringing it back up once in a while cause that isn’t true forgiveness, that’s just holding it in. To tell me that I am her everything. To tell me that she loves me and truly mean it with all her heart. To tell me that there is no reason to cry at nite, because she wouldn’t ever leave me.
@3 years ago with 2 notes